Have you ever walked away from a heartfelt chat feeling truly connected, like you’ve known the other person forever? It turns out, there’s a science behind that warm, fuzzy feeling. Researchers have long suspected that the key to building intimacy in any relationship—whether with a stranger, a friend, or even your own child—lies in how much we open up about ourselves. A groundbreaking 2024 study from the University of Amsterdam, alongside decades of psychological research, confirms it: asking the right questions and sharing personal stories can spark closeness in just minutes. Here’s how self-disclosure works its magic, plus a guide to using it to deepen your own relationships.
The Power of Opening Up
At the heart of intimacy is self-disclosure—the act of sharing personal thoughts, feelings, or experiences with someone else. It’s not about spilling your entire life story; it’s about revealing something meaningful, whether it’s a dream, a fear, or a quirky memory. Back in the 1990s, psychologist Arthur Aron at Stony Brook University tested this idea with his “Becoming Best Friends Procedure.” He paired strangers and had them ask each other deep questions, like, “What’s your idea of a perfect day?” or “If your house was on fire, what one item would you save?” After just 45 minutes, participants felt as close to their partners as they did to lifelong friends, scoring an average of 4 out of 7 on a closeness scale, compared to 3 for those who stuck to small talk about concerts or high school.
Why does this work? When we share something personal, it signals trust, inviting the other person to open up too. This back-and-forth creates a cycle of vulnerability that builds emotional bonds. A 2021 study in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that self-disclosure not only boosts closeness but also triggers the brain’s opioid system, releasing endorphins that make us feel warm and connected—similar to the high from exercise or a hug. In fact, when researchers blocked these opioid receptors with a drug called naltrexone, people struggled to connect, proving that our brains are wired to reward deep conversations.
From Strangers to Families: A Game-Changer for Parents and Kids
Fast-forward to 2024, and psychologists at the University of Amsterdam took this idea to a new frontier: parent-child relationships. Led by developmental psychologist Eddie Brummelman, the team wondered if self-disclosure could make kids feel more loved. They designed 14 questions for parents to ask kids aged 8 to 13, like, “What’s the strangest thing that’s ever happened to you?” or “When did you last feel lonely?” In just nine minutes of conversation, kids reported feeling significantly more loved and supported, according to questionnaires. Unlike small talk about favorite ice creams, these questions dug into emotions and experiences, creating moments that left both parents and kids touched.
Brummelman described some exchanges as “goosebump-worthy.” For many families, it was the first time they’d discussed topics like loneliness or death. This aligns with decades of research showing that feeling loved by parents is critical for a child’s mental health, reducing risks of anxiety and depression. A 2019 meta-analysis in Child Development found that warm, open communication with parents boosts self-esteem and emotional resilience in kids. The Amsterdam study suggests that a few thoughtful questions can kickstart this process, even in families who rarely dive deep.
Beyond the Family: Connecting Across Differences
Self-disclosure isn’t just for family ties—it can bridge gaps between strangers, classmates, or even groups with different backgrounds. At the University of Hagen in Germany, researchers used an online version of the “Becoming Best Friends Procedure” with 855 distance-learning students. The result? Students who shared personal answers felt more connected to their virtual classmates and were less likely to drop out, with completion rates rising significantly. Another study at Stony Brook University found that when heterosexual and gay or lesbian participants answered 36 deep questions together, the straight participants reported less prejudice and greater closeness, per Social Psychological and Personality Science (2020).
These findings highlight a universal truth: sharing vulnerabilities makes us feel human, no matter who we’re talking to. A 2023 study by Nicholas Epley at the University of Chicago added a twist: we often hesitate to self-disclose, fearing others won’t care. But the data shows people are more interested in our stories than we think, and they’re likely to reciprocate, creating a stronger bond.
Your Guide to Building Intimacy Through Conversation
Ready to bring more closeness into your life? You don’t need a script of 36 questions to make it happen—just a willingness to go a little deeper. Here’s a user-friendly guide to spark meaningful conversations, whether with a new friend, a partner, or your kid:
Step 1: Set the Scene
Choose a relaxed, distraction-free moment—over coffee, during a walk, or at bedtime with your child.
Start with a light but open-ended question to ease in, like, “What’s something you’ve always wanted to try?”
Step 2: Ask Thoughtful Questions
Try these examples, inspired by research:
“If you could visit any place in the world, where would you go and why?”
“What’s a moment in your life you’ll never forget?”
“What’s something that’s been on your mind lately?”
For kids, keep it age-appropriate: “What’s the coolest thing you’ve ever seen?” or “What makes you feel really happy?”
Step 3: Listen and Share Back
Really listen—nod, ask follow-ups, and avoid interrupting. If they share something tough, like feeling lonely, say, “I’m glad you told me. I’ve felt that way too sometimes.”
Reciprocate with your own story. If your child talks about a weird experience, share one of your own. This equality builds trust.
Step 4: Keep It Going
Make it a habit. Try one deep question a week during dinner or car rides. For friends, set up regular coffee chats to catch up on more than surface stuff.
Don’t shy away from tough topics like fears or sadness—they often lead to the strongest connections.
Pro Tips:
Balance sharing with sensitivity—don’t push if someone seems uncomfortable.
Be honest but not overwhelming; small, genuine disclosures work better than oversharing.
If you’re nervous, start with someone you trust. As Susan Sprecher of Illinois State University noted, her students loved trying this with roommates or family, and one even sparked a marriage from a first-date question session!
A Simple Shift with Big Rewards
The science is clear: self-disclosure turns casual chats into meaningful connections. Whether it’s a nine-minute heart-to-heart with your child or a coffee date with a new friend, opening up about your inner world can transform relationships. It’s not about having the perfect question—it’s about creating space for honesty and vulnerability. As Brummelman puts it, it’s a mindset shift: approach conversations with curiosity and courage, and you’ll be amazed at how close you can feel to someone, even in a short time.
So, next time you’re chatting with a loved one or a stranger, dare to ask something real. You might just unlock a bond that feels like it’s been there forever—and science says your brain will thank you for it.
This article draws on findings from a 2024 study by Eddie Brummelman and colleagues at the University of Amsterdam, as well as foundational research by Arthur Aron at Stony Brook University and other studies published in journals like Journal of Social and Personal Relationships and Social Psychological and Personality Science. Additional insights were adapted from an article by David Robson for the BBC.
